“Words are worthless- apologies are meaning less, we as humans are all selfish- what you want is the holy grail to sip upon the liquids of the gods sweet as nectar, veil as poison- blinded by your own greed, by what you call my only . I call you a sad pathetic fool- the facade you masquerade to make those believe you are holy- to make those believe you are earthly, you are just like the rest consume by hollowness of society and the fantasy that you want to become reality. It’s not your worth when it easy- it’s not your worth if they come grieving, like a fascist idiot you only want what will benefit you- to seep in its glory. Forgetting that there is beauty in the simple things and that all your what you consider is worthy is what we outsiders see as ugly. That a diamond in the rough shines with it’s truth and the jewels attached to that of the holy grail is empty only to please the blinded eyes.”
“I will be attached” that is what I made myself believe, when I saw him that night, that was such a lie. Being at 23 years old virgin is kind of a surprise to a lot of people when I tell them this. I will consider myself a late bloomer, had my first kiss on my 22 years old birthday and lost my virginity one week before my 23rd. What I Found out through this past year about love and relationship, is that it can grow, shatter, and develop a person, well the hence the term “ it is all an experience” I am not going to lie is its, I am just at the beginning of my journey of love, sex, and relationships but yet I’m already defeated.
The choices that I made was mine and there is no one to blame, I made an arrangement to be “FWBS” with a fellow friend, load and behold I fell, its no surprise and it happens, I never expected me to a kind of girl who willing to do this but I did, thinking that I will not fall for him and that I could keep my emotions in check.
It’s been 4 months since we been “FWBS” but 7 months of talking, and 3 years being acquaintances. He is probably one of the most brutish, idiotic, and incompetent guys I know, but yet I still enjoy he’s presence. There’s nothing I can say about him, but that he has the looks, knows the game, and is undoubted the dream boy of many girls. The lust and fun is whining down, summer is arriving, new girls are coming, and the false commitment is fading, and I find myself the one losing, “Why play a game, where we know we are going to lose” after listening to Marina and the Diamonds “Lie’s” while popping two pills of aspirin I find myself experiencing my first and true heartbreak.
“ In that moment in desperation, I felt I can no longer move forward, this gripping hold that you have on me seems untouched. Without doubt you mean more to me than I ever expected, the manifesto of us being together is withheld in my dreams, but the reality of us is too hard for me to accept it”
In the end I deserve better in a friend and a sex partner. I don’t hate him for all the pain he made me go through and I will not judge him either for that…. cause in the end it was my choice. I believe that he is someone who has a good heart and intentions, he is still an adolescence boy who seems to be caught up in the high of lust and is blinded by he’s ways of dealing with it. I grew thanks to him… a lot, he helped me see that there men who lie, deceive, and that having sex is just another game. But it as made me stronger and that I deserve better, I am a woman that anyone would be proud to be with, let alone a great friend too in that matter.