“Words are worthless- apologies are meaning less, we as humans are all selfish- what you want is the holy grail to sip upon the liquids of the gods sweet as nectar, veil as poison- blinded by your own greed, by what you call my only . I call you a sad pathetic fool- the facade you masquerade to make those believe you are holy- to make those believe you are earthly, you are just like the rest consume by hollowness of society and the fantasy that you want to become reality. It’s not your worth when it easy- it’s not your worth if they come grieving, like a fascist idiot you only want what will benefit you- to seep in its glory. Forgetting that there is beauty in the simple things and that all your what you consider is worthy is what we outsiders see as ugly. That a diamond in the rough shines with it’s truth and the jewels attached to that of the holy grail is empty only to please the blinded eyes.”
The world revolves As you get older And the one thing That pops into your mind
Where am I ?
The ambitions you had the plans you made has faded through the time
A Career. Making money. A Family.
In the end. What was it, that really mattered?
You waited patiently For a someone to tell you it is alright,
the consent stress cause you to wonder this pressure cause you to become blind
you grew…. Embodying a lie you feed…..on what was given to you and you forgot what was really important to you
A life .
As she lies awake on the cold concrete floor, she realized she had lost. This little tortured soul, with each bruise and scars he leaves his mark Telling her that he has control, powerless she feels, as she lives day-by-day tangled in his chains.
As history repeats itself she finds herself falling back, Falling back into his game
Consumed by fear
She finds herself running back to him again
His presence keeps her confine Telling her that she is worthless without him by her side Reminding her that her beauty, her life, her existence Means nothing without him
She lies awake on the cold concrete once again, this feeling is all too familiar
she given up she can fight no more for this battle is done
As she get up To give her surrender She finds herself facing a mirror ‘
The reflection of her is all she sees As she turns her head to see Where he would be She turn back into the mirror Where she finds herself looking at him
“I will be attached” that is what I made myself believe, when I saw him that night, that was such a lie. Being at 23 years old virgin is kind of a surprise to a lot of people when I tell them this. I will consider myself a late bloomer, had my first kiss on my 22 years old birthday and lost my virginity one week before my 23rd. What I Found out through this past year about love and relationship, is that it can grow, shatter, and develop a person, well the hence the term “ it is all an experience” I am not going to lie is its, I am just at the beginning of my journey of love, sex, and relationships but yet I’m already defeated.
The choices that I made was mine and there is no one to blame, I made an arrangement to be “FWBS” with a fellow friend, load and behold I fell, its no surprise and it happens, I never expected me to a kind of girl who willing to do this but I did, thinking that I will not fall for him and that I could keep my emotions in check.
It’s been 4 months since we been “FWBS” but 7 months of talking, and 3 years being acquaintances. He is probably one of the most brutish, idiotic, and incompetent guys I know, but yet I still enjoy he’s presence. There’s nothing I can say about him, but that he has the looks, knows the game, and is undoubted the dream boy of many girls. The lust and fun is whining down, summer is arriving, new girls are coming, and the false commitment is fading, and I find myself the one losing, “Why play a game, where we know we are going to lose” after listening to Marina and the Diamonds “Lie’s” while popping two pills of aspirin I find myself experiencing my first and true heartbreak.
“ In that moment in desperation, I felt I can no longer move forward, this gripping hold that you have on me seems untouched. Without doubt you mean more to me than I ever expected, the manifesto of us being together is withheld in my dreams, but the reality of us is too hard for me to accept it”
In the end I deserve better in a friend and a sex partner. I don’t hate him for all the pain he made me go through and I will not judge him either for that…. cause in the end it was my choice. I believe that he is someone who has a good heart and intentions, he is still an adolescence boy who seems to be caught up in the high of lust and is blinded by he’s ways of dealing with it. I grew thanks to him… a lot, he helped me see that there men who lie, deceive, and that having sex is just another game. But it as made me stronger and that I deserve better, I am a woman that anyone would be proud to be with, let alone a great friend too in that matter.
Time over time, we the Generation Y or the millennial generation are being reminded that we are going to fail, whether in our careers, our relationships, and most of all the expectations of our parents. Nothing seems to be good enough and nothing is good enough. I am an example, I am currently 23 years old and about to graduate from undergrad in exactly one month from now. Ironically, I do believe that I am a minor fuck up….. not major one but only minor…. MFU( minor fuck up)
Throughout my 23 years of living I have come to realize, that I am not even close to be consider an adult… more like a girl pretending to be one until an opportunity comes my way that will me as one. Like many other in my position I don’t know where I am going and where I will be in 5 years from now… what I do know is that I probably will not be driving benzo rather I be probably riding the train to a shitty job where I have no love’O, to even give a fuck. Pessimistic yes, I do agree that I am the black cloud that over your sunlight when it comes to the realization of reality.
Reality is what we make of it and my reality is that I would never make a living with what I love to do, reality is that I am under the pressure of two Asian parents only wanting their daughter to succeed, and that I am an marketing student focusing on advertisement, where I can’t seem to get anything right. But my reality is that I am capable of anything and that I am passionate…. I am scared like any kid who is about to graduate, not knowing if I will make it or if I will end up like another statics… there is a big question mark that hoovers over my head… I so want to figure it out already…. But that is the glory of life, is that you never know what is in store for you. I believe in myself, but it hard to question my actions when it seems the world is against me….. I can’t help it but feel lost, hopeless, and fragile…. But I will get over it.
With questions there will be an answers whether if I will like it not, it will be revealed……. I will not say that ” I will make it” or “with dedication and love and passion, I can do anything” bullshit I will not! I will say that with every step forward , there is something that will bring you 3 steps back but the glory of that, is doing it again where I won’t make that mistake again.
You see I’m only a MFU.
The year is coming to the end, 2013 has been a whirlwind of emotions for me. Being 22 years old I have to say that I am not your typical 22 year old. I have just begin to live, experience love, and discovering my own calling, I have love and lost, been offered a job and lost a job, gain the love of new friends and the lost of old ones. I have to say i have never truly experience life until 2013, and for that I want to thank you, for all the tears I have had shed to all the laughter i had shared…. I have no regrets, I am still on the journey of discovering on who I am, but I have a better sense of where I want to be in end. For the new year I only have is one wish, to be healthy and not be ashamed of who I am. To all my family and friends Happy New Year… my life can’t be any better with out you people in it. Never love in vain, never take anything for granted, and live your lives to the fullest without regrets but only hope in the end.
Happy Fucking New Year